In my head

Hello, it's me. I know it hasn't been very long since I last posted but things have been going on and I've decided to talk about the kind of stuff that goes on in my head. Yes, a heavy subject I'm sure but I had an argument with my friend this week and it made me think. So, a little bit of context, I brought up a concern of mine with my friend because it had been playing on my mind for a day after a party. I messaged them and instantly regretted it. They didn't understand what I was saying and I ended up having to diffuse the situation and apologise for my anxiety making me feel that way.

But why did I apologise?

I don't know but I did and I shouldn't have to. My anxiety is part of my brain, it's how I work and function and on particularly bad days it controls my life. I hate saying that but it does, that's the reality of having anxiety. I was anxious and worried about something and I thought by talking about it I was being brave and addressing a potential issue but instead, I was 'causing drama'.

Anyway, we sorted this issue out and I chalked it up to my anxiety. I didn't want to cause drama between my friends, we've already had quite a lot going on recently and I thought it was best to leave the issue. But, my friend messaged me yesterday about some plans and they brought this issue up in a way that was kinda casual. I told them quite simply that it did come across as a problem (this sounds so cryptic but I just don't want to go into full details about this argument for privacy reasons). I thought I was doing the right thing by telling the truth, I didn't sugar coat it, but I did say that there's no beef, I just thought they should know. Apparently, this was the wrong to say. They proceeded to tell me that "you need to stop with that".

Firstly, I was taken back by this. They're trying to tell me how to act and react. Secondly, they were the one that brought it up in the first place, I didn't even consider the issue until they brought it up but somehow, it was my fault and I was the problem, once again. I was, well to say the least, very upset and annoyed at this point. I responded by saying "I need to stop with that? Me? You've just told me..." and continued to address the issue. Then, their response to my longish paragraph was "...If you think that just stop end of." It's safe to say at this point I was royally p***ed off and reminded them that they were the one that brought it up. This argument continued for a few more messages, them messaging more than me at this point because I was speechless, just speechless. I felt personally attacked by somebody that I love and trust, somebody that I confide in constantly, and I didn't know how to act in this situation.

By then, I was annoyed. I already have issues with thinking that people don't like me. I already think I'm the problem in most situations so I said, 'well obviously it's my issue to then. Always my fault. Everything. Cheers mate." Then, they proceeded to try and tell me not to turn the situation around on me, even though they were the one that made me the problem in the beginning.They went on a bit more and finally, I addressed the real issue, my anxiety.

I told them that I'm sorry I have anxiety. I'm sorry I think my friends hate me most the time. I'm sorry that I got annoyed and even tried to talk about it. I apologised for the issue I brought up with him in the first place. I apologised that in my head when people leave a room to talk, I think they're talking about me. I apologised for hating being excluded from thing because it makes me feel low and unloved and not worthy of people's time. I apologised for having a bad day and overthinking everything like I always do. I apologised for trying to be an adult and come to him with a problem and talk about it and instead making the situation 100 times worse.

I apologised because my anxiety makes me apologise all the time.

So yes, I apologised for a situation that isn't even my fault because I thought it would stop, I thought it would help, make me feel better but no, I feel worse.

My anxiety is constant and I never know when I'm going to have a bad day but the smallest actions can set me off, they have since I was sixteen and it's worse now, far worse. Three years at University have changed me in both good and bad ways. But in my second year, at the height of exam stress, I had my first anxiety attack without even realising it. Everybody in my house knew something was wrong and I just said I was fine because I can't explain these feelings, they feel pathetic and not worthy of anybody's time, most the time I can't even put them into words.

This probably doesn't even make any sense.

I stumbled across this on twitter the other year.

I have no idea how accurate this is (picture above) but this is when I realised that I was having an anxiety. The crying in my room listening to music in the dark wasn't clue enough, apparently. I was annoyed about the mess in my university house to the point I had a go at my housemates about it. Thankfully, they knew it wasn't about the mess, they knew I wasn't ok before even I did and they cleaned the whole house. They didn't make me talk but I knew they were there if I needed to.

I knew there was more to it but I didn't want to label it. How can you explain that you hate talking out-loud in a seminar for fear that you're wrong and going to sound stupid? How can you explain that when your lecturer asks you a question you're petrified and stumbling over your words because you don't know the answer and you're going to make yourself look like a fool? How can you explain that you talk so fast because you don't want everybody to look at you talking? How can you explain that your cheeks are bright red and you feel so hot you're going to faint because you simply had to talk out-loud and people's attention was focused on you? 

You can't. 

So, instead, you just don't talk about it. You keep it all in and over think it even more because that's what you're good at, overthinking everything. 

These pictures are all my Tumblr and they do a good job at representing how I feel most days, something that I can't coherently put into words. I'm sorry that I'm really rambling but my thoughts are all jumbled and I can't communicate how I feel in a logical way because my thoughts aren't logical.

I don't want to just focus on the bad because I have some amazing people in my life that truly do understand. So, I want to thank them (without making this sound like an acceptance speech). My sister for coming over and making me leave the house when I've been sat in the house for too long. For my mum that hugs me when I tell her I don't want a hug or participates in silly games like throwing cuddly toys at each other. For always being there for me and worrying and trying to talk to me. To my friends, the ones that understand and are the first to message me when I tweet something about my mood or just an upside down smiley face. Thank you for always trying and messaging me and offering me your shoulder, I love you so much. To my lecturer, I know, this one is weird, but for always pushing me to be better while never forcing me to do anything I don't want to, I needed that. 

And for those that think that I'm just being a bitch or causing arguments, take a small vacation into my head in this blog post and think about your actions because I hate myself more than you could ever hate me. I don't know if you've ever bothered to try and get to know me this well but here you are, as me and my best friend like to say, 'we all have our own s***.' 

As ever, thank you for reading and I'm sorry about the really big blurred image at the top of the post, it's part of the theme and I don't know how to get rid of it - I've tried everything. Thank you. x