I have confidence in me

I want to talk about something important today: confidence. Somebody anonymously asked me 'can I have your confidence, please?' and it got me thinking, I'm not very confident at all but apparently, people think I am. Why is this? I am confident, to an extent. When I was in sixth form I was often (way too often) told that I was quite intimidating. Firstly, I'm about as intimidating as a mouse and second, this intimidation came from the people I knew. I was popular and I knew popular people so people assumed that I'd be a b****. Even my best friend used to think I was intimidating before we actually started talking and she realised I'm actually a nice person. The thing is, I was friends with everybody in school and I didn't mind wandering around alone at break times, I often did just this because sometimes you don't always want to be around people. This was confidence, I think. Despite being confident within myself, I also doubt myself almost every second of every day. My confidence lasts as long as looking in the mirror, thinking I look amazing and then leaving the house. Not long after, I get extremely self-conscious and hate myself and everybody around me for judging me but really I DON'T CARE. That's the confusing thing I guess. I have confidence and I don't. Without going too far into metaphors, it's a constant battle. A battle against myself that never really ends. I never felt like the 'pretty' one in a group, I was always just me and whenever I had a crush on somebody that didn't like me back, I guess it knocked my confidence back. That's a story for a different day though I guess when I like someone I act like a total lemon. I came to love myself to an extent, self-love is very important and if you want to read more on it please check out Self-Love by Lola, it's a very informative read about a personal experience with self-love. Anyway, I didn't care about what people thought about me but going to university and being an adult, on my own, for the first time, I was suddenly spiralling into a self-conscious streak. It started with little things like walking around town and having the entire population stare at me for wearing shorts and knee-high socks. It was enough to make me rethink certain things, including how I looked. In my first year of uni, I went on night's out wearing shorts and crop tops, something that I wouldn't even consider now. I'm not confident enough now. My confidence works alongside my anxiety to make me feel like a useless piece of crap almost every day. I think this confident aura I apparently give off is because I am sometimes confident and I try my hardest to be but it's important to remember that despite that I'm just as self-conscious as the next person.

I guess I don't have to be perfect. Nobody is. I just have to be me and see where that takes me. Hopefully, in the future, I will become more confident in myself and be able to share some of that confidence within others, if I can, but until then, I'll just be here.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and read this post.

Tiffani. x